Being KIND is Cool.
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others.” –Paramahansa Yogananda
Dear Friends,
Today on International Women’s Day I ‘d like to open up about a very difficult topic I feel affects so many of us women, and not just in business. For the past three years I’ve been the victim of some of the most horrific bullying I’ve ever experienced and it very nearly broke me. The good news is… it didn’t. The bad news? Adult bullying is a much bigger issue than what happened to me, and oftentimes it seems like an insurmountable obstacle to face. It took me a long time to decide if I want to use the platform I’ve worked tirelessly to build as a means to share this message. I decided that suffering silently is nothing I am, or ever will be comfortable with. I also know that it opens me up to further criticism and targeting but I’d rather speak my truth than stay silent out of fear.
I live in a place where sometimes wealth, power and status can be the primary influence of others and while that is not the Nantucket I fell in love with, it’s what shaped a reality that had me overwhelmed by circumstances out of my control, frustrated by privilege, and desperate for justice. I turned to my amazing family, closest friends, therapy and yes, even medication to help me process how to handle behaviors of adult women that were incredibly damaging and harmful to my business, my reputation and to my health. The toll of the repeated slander, defamation and just downright LIES that it took on my health was scary.
My experience led me down the rabbit hole of trying to understand this type of behavior. Looking back I recognize it was a major coping mechanism to find answers by means of research. I’ve spent 15+ years of my life studying Psychology and human behavior, but I’d never researched bullying. I never had to. Bullying is defined as, “a form of aggressive behavior in which someone intentionally and repeatedly causes another person injury or discomfort.” We hear a lot about common types of bullying... physical /verbal / cyber-bullying but there is another form, a less frequently mentioned type that is more insidious. Passive-aggressive or covert bullying is where a person behaves appropriately on the surface but tries to take you down with subtlety. Examples of passive-aggressive and covert bullying include, “negative gossip, negative joking at someone’s expense, sarcasm, condescending eye contact, facial expression or gestures, mimicking to ridicule, deliberately causing embarrassment and insecurity, the invisible treatment, social exclusion, professional isolation, and deliberately sabotaging someone’s well-being, happiness, and success.”
Who of you reading this has fallen victim to one (if not more) of these behaviors as a woman in business? Perhaps you can relate to this type of treatment on a personal level? Have you treated someone this way in the past, even unintentionally? I know I have.
IT HAS TO STOP.
After the year we’ve had I think we can agree that our health is one of the most important things in life. Passive-aggressive / covert bullying has shocking health ramifications. Let me share with you some stats I read from an American study that polled over 10,000 women on adult bullying. Results showed adults are being bullied at levels similar to children, and the health consequences of said bullying reduced their ability to function.
71% suffered from stress
70% experienced anxiety/depression
55% reported a loss of confidence
39% suffered from sleep loss
26% suffered from headaches
22% experienced muscle tension / pain
19% reported a mental breakdown
17% noted an inability to function day-to-day
These are facts.
For those of you who are wondering, “what happened?”, “who did this to you?”, those are not the details that matter. What matters is... it happened. What matters is... I will not allow another season of my life to go by where I don’t speak out for those (myself included) who feel like they “can’t win” because they don’t have the money, or the power, or the influence. I’ve learned that in business, and in life, it’s impossible to please everyone but I can do my best, and own my shortcomings. Always.
I know this blog won’t change the world but I think it can serve as a place to start for each reader to gain perspective and recognize that outside of these lovely squares is real life and sometimes it’s not pretty. I encourage you to look outside of the opinions of others. If you form an opinion about someone, do it of your own accord, not because someone told you it is so.
Today is International Women’s Day and ladies we have so much power.
Let’s focus our power on building each other UP, not breaking each other DOWN.
xo H